Tag Archives: Sears

My Mom Was Married To Barack Obama

My mom confessed yesterday she’d been married to Barack Obama — in a dream.

Mom’s been under stress lately.  She and Dad are selling their house in Lincolnshire, Illinois.  They keep it clean, evacuate for open houses and showings, and eagerly anticipate feedback from realtors.  Though no one’s come back for a second showing yet, their agent has prepared them for a long selling process in this volatile housing market. While the showings go on, Mom and Dad attend open houses of their own, narrowing their search for the perfect, downsized option.

We’ve had a lot of beautiful memories in that house.

Mom and Dad's Wedding Anniversary Celebration

Mom’s life is filled with anxiety right now.  She and Dad have moved six times in their marriage, but this is the first time a house of theirs hasn’t sold within the first thirty days.  Who will buy it — and for how much? When will it happen? Where will they live?  Will they survive the monumental process of packing, moving and unpacking?

Then, Mom had a dream she’d moved back to one of our former houses with her husband, Barack Obama*.  A nice little raised ranch in Hoffman Estates, Illinois on Nottingham Lane.  Good schools.  Strip malls.  Decent folks.

The two blocks south of the house were wiped out out due to a hurricane.  Mom maintained a glass-half-full perspective in her dreamlike state, thinking, “at least I have a nice view of the duck pond you girls used to play at.”

Mom admits she felt sheepish that she couldn’t recall when she and the President of the United States originally hooked up or any details about their nuptials.

What troubled her most of all, though, was her sudden awareness that the house she’d once been so familiar with had an entire wing she’d never known about.  In her dream, she searched endlessly for the key to the door leading to the mysterious section she’d — shockingly — only recently noticed.

Oh, if only I could have asked Mom a few questions before her dream had taken place, like:

1. Barack’s birthday is Aug 4 and yours if Aug 5.  Do you plan on celebrating together or separately?

Mom and Barack are both Leos. Now I get it.

2. More importantly, what’s it like being married to someone fifteen years your junior?

3. How does Dad feel about all this?

4. Does this make me a First Daughter?

5.  May I call Barack “Papa”?

6. How the hell didn’t you notice the separate wing on the house?

7. Does it bother you that you lose your keys in your dreams as well as in real life?

Jack Johnson sings a great song about Losing Keys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuluNU7J0Fo

8. Can Barack pull any strings about Sears’ recent announcement they’re moving their headquarters from Hoffman Estates?  If he hesitates, maybe you can make him a nice meatloaf or pick up something special for him from his favorite restaurant, Italian Fiesta Pizzeria in Hyde Park…

Unfortunately, these questions will all remain unanswered…

*My apologies to Michelle, Malika and Sasha.

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